‘He wants me to be here’

Note: The following piece was authored by Rachel Morand, who is currently discerning the life of a woman religious.

What does one wear to a convent? I’m standing in front of my closet, at a bit of a loss. The idea of spending the weekend with nuns conjures up images of long black skirts and plain, unpatterned tops, which I’m realizing is not super in line with my current wardrobe.

I am also unsure what the general consensus will be on my tattoos. A slightly self-conscious feeling begins to settle on me and I eventually end up borrowing some outfits from my mom.

For the past week or so leading up to the trip, I had been mostly excited. After attending one of the monthly prayer groups and speaking with sisters and other discerners, I had felt a sense of hopeful curiosity growing in my heart, a gentle push toward learning more.

Following the Feeling

It was similar to a calming breeze, lightly brushing past me, beckoning me to follow it.

Now, though, on the day of my departure, I am feeling something more akin to a tempest. Waves of complicated emotion flood my mind, and I am finding it difficult to remain anchored to those soft, spiritual invitations.

On the drive down, the storm grows more intense as my self-doubt amplifies. Unworthiness, anxiety and fear all gather like dark clouds, overshadowing my previous hope.

By the time I reach the front gate, I am almost wishing I stayed home. But then, something changes. It’s subtle at first, like that first blush of light in the morning. As I meet these women in person, the other discerners and the sisters, I notice a tender peace that gradually dispels my unease.

Feeling Welcomed

There’s no pretense here – things are natural and humble. I don’t feel overwhelmed or intimidated, but welcomed. As I kneel in the beautiful Blessed Sacrament Chapel, I sense God’s presence enveloping me, reassuring me that He wants me to be here and inviting me to be fully open to whatever I find.

And what I find is more than I could have imagined. It is knowledge and insight through fruitful, surprising discussions about the vows and what it means to live in religious life.

It is companionship and community through connecting and being vulnerable with the other women, bearing our souls in a space that is loving and understanding and empathetic.

It is healing and grace in humbly listening to the testimonies of the sisters and hearing God’s merciful voice in the quiet moments throughout the weekend.

It is freedom in surrendering to the Father’s will and His all-encompassing love.

I am Loved

On the final day, I find myself relaxed, comfortable, laughing easily and often and quite literally rolling up my sleeves and letting my hair down.

As my companions eagerly ask me about my tattoos, I remember the anxiety I experienced just days before regarding my appearance and if I would fit in and be accepted. Now, I know that I am more than accepted here – I am wanted and I am loved.

Weeks after my return home, I am still reflecting on the Come and See and the blossoming effects I have witnessed in my life. I was able to encounter God in an intimate and moving way alongside other women on similar paths, and my relationship with Him has been strengthened and transformed, like how the world turns on a more vibrant shade of green after a heavy storm.

And while I am not sure exactly where Our Lord will guide me, I am so thankful for his opportunity to have said “yes” to Him.

I cannot wait to take His hand and continue saying “yes” whatever may come my way.